Developing a relationship with your young adult son or daughter is kind of like walking a balance beam. As they get older and more independent, your roles change. You need to give them more freedom to discover who they are while continuing to keep them safe.
A lot of parents struggle with boundaries when it comes to their kids - especially as they get older. The wrong kind of boundaries can have an impact on their mental health and your relationship with them.So, what’s the boundary mistake most parents make? They either have too many boundaries or not enough.
The All-or-Nothing Boundary Trap
As a parent, when your kid is struggling with drugs and alcohol, it’s natural to set some boundaries. But if you’re only enforcing rigid, absolute rules of law, or not setting any boundaries at all, you’re bound to run into trouble.
Have you ever yelled at your kid, “As long as you live under my roof, you’ll follow my rules!” Or on the side of the spectrum, maybe you always rescue them at the first sign of trouble, keeping them from ever facing the consequences of their actions.
Neither approach is effective. Ruling with an iron fist can drive a young adult into isolation, making them feel unloved or unsupported. But having no boundaries at all can create a cycle of dependency, where they never learn accountability or personal responsibility. The goal is create healthy, flexible boundaries that encourage independence while fostering a strong, supportive relationship.
What Role Do Boundaries Play in Mental Health?
Boundaries in the parent-child relationship are important for developing emotional stability and overall mental well-being. These separations provide structure and can help to teach your child about responsibility, accountability, and self-respect.
When boundaries aren’t in place, we often see young adults struggle to develop the necessary copying skills for independence and emotional resilience. It is important though, that boundaries be created in a manner that is safe and not driven by punishment or fear.
Healthy boundaries help reduce anxiety through the creation of well-understood expectations. They encourage self-reliance instead of dependence, and they improve the relationship dynamic by reducing power struggles. By encouraging personal agency, they help to foster healthy mental health. Mental health conditions and addiction thrive in chaotic, unstructured environments. Consistent boundaries provide the stability needed for real healing to occur.
The Signs Your Boundaries Might Need Work
Wondering about the health of the boundaries between you and your young adult? If you feel constantly drained, resentful, or overwhelmed by your young adult’s needs, it may be an indicator that your boundaries are too loose.
Another sign of weak boundaries is when your young adult repeatedly disregards your rules without facing any real consequences. Finally, if you feel guilty every time you say "no," it’s a sign that you might be prioritizing your child’s immediate comfort over their long-term growth.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries That Actually Work
Decide What You Will & Won’t Do
Boundaries aren’t about control; they’re about defining your role. Instead of saying, “You can’t do X,” try, “I won’t support X.” Example: “I won’t give you money for rent, but I’m happy to help you budget.”
Communicate with Love & Clarity
It’s not abnormal for young people struggling with co-occurring disorders to feel ashamed. Setting boundaries from a place of love instead of frustration makes a huge difference. Keep it simple: “I love you, and I want to support your recovery, but I can’t continue rescuing you from consequences.”
Follow Through—No Empty Threats
If a boundary isn’t enforced, it’s meaningless. If you say, “You need to be in treatment to live at home,” but don’t follow through when they refuse, you lose all credibility. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable—it means you’re changing old patterns.
Offer Support, Not Control
Healthy boundaries leave room for choice. Instead of saying, “You must go to treatment,” try, “I’m here to help when you’re ready to take the next step.” This shifts the responsibility onto them while keeping the door open for help.
The Bottom Line: Boundaries Are Love in Action
If you’ve been beating yourself up over past mistakes, stop. No one gets this perfect. Boundaries aren’t about pushing your child away. They’re about guiding them toward the independence and stability they need to thrive.
If you believe the young adult in your life may need dual-diagnosis treatment, reach out to Momentum Recovery today.